We don’t have much of an update on our uncle yet, beyond that he’s still in hospital and has been moved to a different ward. So we wait. In my experience, waiting is a key truth of almost everything to do with looking after and caring (remotely or in person) for an elderly relative.
Sometimes it’s a mix of waiting and stress when there’s lots of unknowns and you’re hoping for answers. Sometimes you’re impatiently waiting for systems and organisations and people to help you implement solutions to challenges. And sometimes you might get the gift of a more zen side of waiting when you have (sort of) accepted what’s happening.
The stressful phase, to make it extra fun, can simultaneously be incredibly boring and frustrating. In the first week or two after Mum’s recent decline I was pretty much tied to her house in crisis mode. In week one, for example, you have your first emergency medic visit so you can’t go anywhere until he’s been and you’re absolutely hanging on his diagnosis. Then when he does come he lets you know that he’ll be referring the District Nurse and the Occupational Therapist and the GP to visit, but you don’t know when they’ll come and your Mum can’t get up to answer the door and needs help interacting with all these useful people anyway, so you can’t. Go. Anywhere. And on and on as other deliveries and visitors get thrown into the mix.
I am very grateful to those of Mum’s carers (who were all brilliant, we were very lucky) who were happy for me to escape for 20 minutes or so during their visits during that week in particular. As much as I love my childhood home, it became very claustrophobic very quickly when I couldn’t leave it.
A little later in the process, when Mum’s situation was clearer and we knew we couldn’t leave her overnight and had set up a rota to be with her, I got a bit more calm (despite not really accepting what was definitely coming). We had fewer medical visits and in between the carers coming it was often quite peaceful. This is one of my tiny phone diary notes (I wish I’d written more) from about a month before she died:
Been back home two nights and it’s a slow time. First night was tough - helping Mum with bedtime things amid a power cut - but last night was a bit easier and I ended up sleeping surprisingly well. I told her I took inspiration from how she had looked after Dad and I think she was touched to hear that. Woke up to hear the dawn chorus around 4am or so (I had the window open) and that was actually kind of lovely.
We do a lot of sitting - Mum sleeping and me watching tv or reading or on my laptop. Quiet times. I just want her to feel loved and not afraid and not lonely. So being here is worth it for that, if she feels even a tiny bit of those things.
Anyway, in our uncle’s case, we still wait. Gareth and I travelled back to his house again yesterday to try to make it a little bit more carer-friendly (very much hoping that, if he goes home, he’ll have a lot more care support than previously). Carers don’t have time to work out where things are, and if there’s not an obvious place for (e.g.) clean clothes to be stored or even space for a clothes horse to be put up, then laundry won’t happen and small homes will get more cluttered and dangerous, and, well. Your uncle has a fall and ends up in hospital.
I’m hyper-conscious that we can’t do for our uncle what we were in a position to do for Mum (for lots of reasons) so all that feels within my control is to do what’s possible in his home while he’s not there so that when carers visit, they have the space to look after him and it’ll be easier for them to put a wash on and keep him in clean clothes and safe surroundings. Keep your fingers crossed for him, and us.
Happy things happened in the last week as well. I had a lovely lunch on Tuesday with a friend who’s recently gone freelance and is thriving (I am the world’s biggest cheerleader for anyone considering taking the freelance plunge, FYI, if you need someone to gee you on). On Friday my aerial hoop friend from last week and I tried aerial hammock, which is kind of similar but also totally different. We were predictably rubbish and had to forget the seasoned pros who were shimmying up the silk making beautiful shapes while we did our best to ignore gravity and bend over backwards, but again it was really fun and the perfect way to switch my brain off for an hour. Yes, my arms hurt again today.
What have I been…?
Eating: Well last night it was a roast (yay Sundays) and tonight it’s probably going to be this fennel tempeh ‘sausage’ and broccoli pasta in creamy garlic sauce with toasted walnut pangrattato (hello, vegan mealkits, I’ve missed you).
Watching: Rivals (on Disney+). I’d heard all the buzz about it, and ofc have read the book more than once (though not recently, which I might amend soon), so we watched the first episode last night. It didn’t disappoint. If you enjoyed the novel I think you’ll enjoy this particular adaptation - it is a complete and very knowing 1980s pantomime, which shines a light on all the distasteful elements of the period while retaining its heart and lots of humour. If, astonishingly, you have no idea what it involves, then I wouldn’t advise watching the first ep in a room with, e.g., your parents.
Reading: The Hidden Palace by Helene Wecker, which is the sequel to The Golem and the Djinni. I read the first one a few years ago and somehow entirely failed to discover that the sequel came out in 2022 until the other week. America in the early 1900s, non-human beings forced to shroud themselves in human facades and get by. A solid 7/10.